I didn't go to my high school reunion this weekend. However, I did make the turkey for Thanksgiving for the first time. Both events, though seemingly unrelated, keep circling together for me. I finished Just a Geek last week, which ultimately had less to do with being a geek and more to do with becoming a man, or maybe just becoming who you are.
I've been melancholy since the holiday, and I'm not sure why. I've just had this overwhelming sense of ... youth. And not in a good way. I feel like I'm still that insecure 12-year-old girl, afraid to doing anything for fear of doing it wrong. I haven't changed much at all. I've learned to gloss over things, to remove or distance myself from situations that threaten this composure. My birthday is fast approaching, and I look at 29 with serious trepidation. Not so much the age itself, but what it represents. When I say I thought I'd be somewhere else by now, I don't mean a physical place. I'm not thinking in terms of my career. I mean I thought I'd be different, that I would have discarded by now some of the fears and worries that I've been carting around since I was old enough to worry. I thought I would be more satisfied. I can look back on what I've done and all I see is who I am. And it's who I've always been. When they say people don't change, I always thought they meant other people.
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